Virginia Louise Hart: Post-[Straight]-Marriage Years (45-70)

Pre-Script:  What you are about to read is a narrative many people I know would never share publicly.  I'm very aware of this.  However, it's important to me, as I face a new decade, to be up-front and honest, for the record.  I leave it up to you to read in between the lines...or not.

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Bill and I watched our 21st wedding anniversary come and go on Thursday, 6 September 1990.  That Saturday all four of us, as a family, drove Amy from Atlanta to her freshman year at Flagler College in St. Augustine, FL.  By the end of that next week, I had moved out into a brand new condo.

Our divorce was finalized on 21 December, 1990.  I had "come of age" after 21 years of marriage and, at 45, was ready to live my life as an openly gay woman...for the first time.

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My condo was absolutely the most wonderful place for me in my first years of "coming out."

I had been working in Accounts Receivable at a nearby computer company.

But I wanted more and thus initiated the option of becoming a Licensed Massage Therapist.

It took me a full year of evening school, plus Saturday clinics, at Atlanta School of Massage,

all while still working a 40-hour/week job!

I continued as an LMT for the next 7 years, to supplement my income.

 In March of 1991, Mom and Dad celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.

My family of origin kept growing!

But this was the real family of origin...and the "Step Sisters."

Nobody knew that I felt so lonely and lost during that celebration, just recently divorced.

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Remember that I had fallen in love with our church's choir director when we moved to Atlanta.

Everything about her was 6 years younger than I, including her 2 children.

At the same time as my divorce, she, too, was going through her own divorce.

However, for her to keep joint custody of her children, we weren't "allowed" to live together.

So it meant Glenna and I were "together" in alternate months for the next 2 years.

During that time she graduated from Candler Seminary at Emory University in Atlanta.

A year later she was ordained by the Metropolitan Community Church (gay).

Together, we started the second MCC church in the Atlanta area.

However, at the end of 2 years, Glenna left me for another woman in our church.

I had been her first gay experience; I had hoped she'd be my last.

But the "candy store" had just been opened to her.

Besides the break-up of my family, this was the most devastating experience of my life.

I cried for days on end, finding comfort only in the minor chords of Enya.

Ironically, I have no photos of Glenna from that time.  These are 25 years after the fact.

It took 15 years before we became friends again and have since stayed in contact.

She eventually married Claire from England and now pastors a UCC church in Tennessee.
We're both happy for each other.

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Within one month of Glenna's break-up with me, I met Jo and started dating her.

If you had told me then that she was a rebound, I would have laughed in your face.

 Many milestones were celebrated while I was with Jo.

Amy graduated from Flagler in 1994.

Mark first graduated from Norcross High School in 1993 (left),

and then from the University of Georgia in 1997.

Jo also was a Georgia grad, so they had lots of memories in common.

 In 1995, the Wednesday before Easter, my preacher dad died of lung cancer, age 78.

The following year in February, 1996, my brother Bennett died of heart disease, age 47.

On Easter Eve the next year, 1997, my mom died of Alzheimer's, age 80.

And on 27 April 1996, Jo and I celebrated our civil union.
It was a huge thing, especially for our gay-friendly United Methodist church.
I had been leading seminars all over Atlanta on "Homosexuality and the Bible,"
similar to what I had done in Madison on "Women and the Church."
We were all so ready to be recognized as "real" couples.

A year later, 12 April 1997, Amy and Nick got married.
Jo and Nick worked together at the same sporting-goods store,
where the connections were made.

But by the Fall of that year, a year after our civil union, I made the decision to leave Jo.
There were too many cracks.  We were from different zip-codes.
By then I realized she really was a rebound from Glenna.
Older brother Nelson said he knew I had been more in love with the ceremony than with Jo.
Maybe I was with her more for her than for me, he said.
It was true.  I had brought her back to financial solvency...and to her faith roots.

I was with Jo for 5 years, during which time my condo building burned down,
the week before Christmas 1994.  Within 6 months it was rebuilt and we moved back in.
Within a year I bought a house to give us more room.

I will always love Jo but I was not "in love" with her.
After our "divorce" in 1997, she moved to south Georgia and lost contact.
We both, sadly, just went our own ways.

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By that time, in the summer of 1997, I had met Donica on our bowling and softball teams.
She was the one who helped me "see" the cracks in my relationship with Jo.

Donica worked for a local pharmaceutical company in a low-level position when I met her.
In the next 11 years of our relationship, she became one of their highest-paid VPs.

Together we built a house in a northern suburb of Atlanta on 3 acres of land, in the woods.

My kids had just gotten used to their mom living with a woman,
so the break-up with Jo threw them for another loop, though I detected the loss of her wasn't hard.
They quickly grew to love Donica...and all the benefits of her life with me.

 And now we were a new couple at our same gay-friendly United Methodist church.

With more than enough money to spare, we took cruises:
Alaska's Inside Passage, New England-Quebec, Scandinavia, and the Mediterranean.
We visited Prince Edward Island, Barcelona, Rome, Venice, St. Petersburg, Tallinn, Corfu,
Helsinki, Copenhagen, Stockholm....  All on Royal Caribbean.

We also took trips to places like New Orleans, Provincetown, New Hampshire, California, etc.
All the travel/wander lust I ever had was being filled to over-flowing.

 In 2003 I left the computer company to work in assisted living as a resident staff coordinator.
By 2005 we made the decision for me to stop work to join Donica on her frequent trips to Europe.
First it was two years in Hannover, Germany, two weeks of every month.
Then it was 2 years in Amsterdam, two weeks of every month.

At the same time that I retired from work, and with Donica's technical expertise,
I started this blog, at age 60.  It's all here, in other words, from that point on.

During that time, all kinds of things happened,
like the birth of grandson Nicholas, 12 July 2000.
18 months later, Amy divorced Nick and was on her own as a single mom for the next 6 years.

We were our own little family at this point in time, 2002, in "our" woods.

 I now had three kids.

And by 1 June 2008, I had four, when Amy and Dennis married.
Donica and I flew Nicholas with us to Honolulu, HI, and took care of him for them.

 Though Mark wasn't with us that day, he's always been with us.

 In 2005, when sister Susan married Rodger in Chicago, Donica was part of my extended family.

 

But when we weren't in Europe, we mostly did everything with Nicholas.

In fact, you can see it all in the book I made in 2013 of his pre-teen years.

[I'm so glad I no longer have that bazooka lens!]

 For several years we together visited sister Ruth's farm in Michigan and met up with family.

This was one time when all 7 of us sibs were together, minus Bennett.

But by the fall of 2008, there were cracks in this relationship.

I no longer knew Donica on almost every level.  I was no longer in soul with her.

I went back to my very first post here to see it through Thomas Moore's paraphrase of Ficino:

"What we need, he said, is soul, in the middle, holding together mind and body, ideas and life, spirituality and the world." 

I had absolutely everything I could possibly want materialistically with Donica, but without soul.  

I was empty in spite of a life filled with travel, financial security and ease.

  Once again, I made that terrible decision to leave a relation that wasn't working for me.

And once again, the loss, the loneliness, the disappointment, the disillusion.

What was wrong with me????

[I have a theory about the maturation process of gays who come out in later years:

it takes longer because we don't have role models around to mentor us.  

It's all by the seat of our pants.] 

 

 Donica legally married Cindy in Massachusetts in June of 2010.

Amy, Dennis and Mark meet up with them monthly in Atlanta where they all live.

After all, Nicholas knew Donica as my 'partner' for the first 8 years of his life.

However, Donica is not yet ready to have personal contact with me.  

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At niece Lesley's wedding the summer of 2009, which Donica also attended (apart from me),
we "step sisters" posed with our daughters:
Susan-Shari, Ginnie-Amy, Ruth-Lesley, Nancy-Jennifer (l-to-r)

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Now enters Astrid, the Dutch lady I met on our Shutterchance photography blog in August 2007!

Because I was in Amsterdam 2 weeks of each month, we started getting together for photo hunts.
I guess this is when you can say the rest is history...except Astrid did not know she was gay.

She had a son, Jeroen, and a husband of 27 years, Jaap.

It's a longer story than this but after she met me, she started scouring the internet about being gay.
I helped her when I could but I knew it was not my place to "persuade" her.
When she recognized who she had always been (everyone else knew she was "different",
including her son), she started pursuing me.
It has always been important to her to say that she made the first move,
even though I suppose I could say my love for who she is wooed her.

Once we started talking about being a couple, I said "NO."
I did not want the same thing to happen as with Glenna.  I was Astrid's first.
I told her she needed to go out into the "candy store" to figure out what she wanted.
But she would have nothing to do with it, saying, "I'm too old for that s**t."

Before I moved my entire life to the Netherlands at the end of 2009,
we were starting to be a couple.

And two months after I moved, we got legally married at the city hall where we live in Gorinchem.
Astrid's son Jeroen and best friend Ingeborg were our witnesses.
Cora was our city-hall officiator and there were 34 of us altogether.

To be officially recognized as married in the Netherlands, you must get married by city hall,
but can also add a church celebration before or after, if you wish.
The Dutch do a good job of separating church from state.

Now the rest really is history, all here on this blog, which I won't repeat.
 The culture, the dancing, the travel, the photography, the love...all of it.

I firmly believe that had I not been gay, Bill and I would still be married, 46 years in September.
Now that I am legally married as a gay woman, I firmly believe this marriage will last. 

All those stepping stones to find my soul's delight and resting place.  
Finally.

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This now completes the 3-part saga of my 70-year journey.  Tomorrow I turn 70.
I wrote the first and last parts with relatively little emotion, true to my Gemini nature.
"Just give me the facts, Max."
It was the middle part that wrenched me to the bone.  The break-up of my million-dollar family.
There was a long, primordial groan that finally escaped the core of me....

And while I know I have put my kids through the wringer since my divorce,
I am finally learning to live my life in love and in soul, not based on what people think.
My belief now is that when we do what's right for ourselves, it WILL be right for everyone else.

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Post-Script:  It is not lost on me that, as we speak, the US Supreme Court is making its ruling about Marriage Equality nationwide (13 states remaining, including Michigan and Georgia), by the end of June.  Is it possible that I will have the best gift of my 70th birthday with a YES decision?!  We'll soon know.

Meeting the Parents

You've seen this before from when Astrid and I were in England this past April, taken at Chatsworth House, if that makes any difference...the seat of the Duke of Devonshire. So British. Actually, so English (we were corrected repeatedly). It's my favorite picture of us to date.

But I digress. When I post this today, Astrid and I will have been in Atlanta since Friday evening, visiting for almost 2 weeks while I'm on Herfst (autumn) vacation from school in The Netherlands. I wouldn't be posting today if it weren't for the fact it's my turn again at Vision and Verb, on Meeting the Parents...or When Your Children Have Two Mommies! I don't want you to miss that. It's the first time for my 2 kids and grandson, Nicholas, to meet Astrid, even though I've known her now for over 3+ years.

How it all goes (HA!) is something I'll post about after the fact: taking Nicholas to the same Fair he's been to since he was 2 (he's now 10!), carving pumpkins and roasting pumpkin seeds (an annual tradition), watching college football, going to Outback Steakhouse...our treat for all the birthdays we've missed. During this week (while Amy and Dennis work and Nicholas is in school) Astrid and I will be with recent retirees, Bob and Peggy, friends south of Atlanta, but will come back to be with the kids this coming weekend, up in the North Georgia mountains. That's the plan. Once we're back in Holland after the 27th, I'll work on sharing those posts.

In the meantime, there are two things to catch you up on from a week ago, back home in The Netherlands. First of all, Gorinchem's autumn Fair took place at the same Grote Kerk spot where the Monday market takes place and so many other things throughout the year...just 2 blocks from us. Talk about CLOSE, the things that are at our fingertips.

As fairs go, this one doesn't cover a lot of square feet but it sure packs a wallop. It amazes me how much can fit into such a small space. But then, that's like Europe in general and they're used to it.
(Remember to click on the image to enlarge it and then click again.)

I especially had fun watching the little fellow on the right (above) who reminded me of Nicholas when he was that age. Needless to say, our appetites were totally whetted for the Fair with Nicholas this past Saturday...which gets better every year as he gets older and older (now 10). In fact, he tried the same bungee ride for the first time ever and had a blast. And this time Astrid was his buddy on rides I wouldn't dare attempt. But as I said, that's another post to come.

Secondly, Astrid and I drove a week ago Saturday to nearby Ridderkerk, outside of Rotterdam, to watch Jeroen, Astrid's 22-year-old son, play tennis. It was a gloriously sunny day, cool, and very Fall-like. It so happens Jeroen was what we call "playing up" with a guy 2 levels higher than himself. So it would have been a miracle if he had won. He didn't win but it was still fun to watch him play:

First, the warm-up...

...and then the real deal.
Notice in the bottom left-hand corner (above) how they score the games and sets. The yellow balls indicate who has won what games in this particular set. Thus, the one on the left side of the court is up 4 games to 1 in this set. The red ball indicates he also has already won one set. It's actually pretty cool. At this level/match, there were no umpires, so the players kept track of their own scores...under close scrutiny, of course, of all their friends and relatives!

Tennis is a big deal for both Astrid and Jeroen. Here's a picture I took of them together back in June of 2008 when I watched them play against each other:

Jeroen is Astrid's only child. Like mother like son. Seriously. I adore him and have already spent umpteen times with him and his girlfriend, Eva. In fact, they're watching after our apartment while we're gone. Though it hasn't been easy for Jeroen to experience the break-up of his family, he has graciously received me as his mom's wife. He's become my second son.

Which takes me back to my Vision and Verb post today...and when our children meet the 'other' parents after break-ups and divorces. We all know it's not easy. No, it's NOT easy! And that's why we take any of the joys and happy moments we can get.

So far so good....

What's in a Name?

This is still a moot issue for me, because of the American laws and regulations, but right now this has been very big on Astrid's mind: her name.

If she had not done anything about it, on both her passport and driver's license, Astrid would still be A.M.A. Wijdekop e/v Frieling (her ex-husband's name).

e/v = echtgenoot van = spouse of

See my black arrow on her passport? One of the first things Astrid did after our marriage on February 5 was to get the changes made that would make it clear in any situation...airport security, car accident, hospitalization, insurance, etc....that she and I are married. That she is the spouse of Hart. That Hart is the spouse of Wijdekop. That I, Ginnie, have rights because of our marriage.

She did the same thing with the name on our apartment: A. Wijdekop & G. Hart. The week after our marriage, she had me take our official wedding document to Poort 6, the company that rents out apartments in our municipality, to show that we are married and that therefore I, too, am head renter of our apartment. Why? So if something happens to her, no one can kick me out.

It greatly humbles me, of course, that Astrid has been forward-thinking about any contingencies on my behalf. I'm not sure how long it would have taken me to think of them, let alone wonder what would/might happen in the worst-case scenario.


Now look at this...the back of my residence-permit ID card, which I just picked up on Tuesday. See where my black arrow points? It says I'm staying with my wife, A.M.A. Wijdekop, which is another way of saying she is my "sponsor" allowing me to stay in the Netherlands.

Not that we're thinking of worst-case scenarios, mind you, but I love that the Netherlands thinks this is important enough to add it to Astrid's two biggest IDs: passport and driver's license...and now to my residence ID card. I still have my American pasport and driver's license, which make no mention of Astrid, of course. But if it comes to it, will these official Holland documents amount to a hill of beans in America? (Dream on, I know....)

BTW, I did find out the other day that green-card status in America for same-sex partners will probably happen before same-sex marriage is recognized federally ("UAFA may gain approval in the U.S. before full marriage rights do"). If so, that means Astrid and I can move back to the States because she's my wife from another country! And we have the documents to prove it!

The Tipping point(s)

Yesterday was my day of reckoning!

A week after our wedding ceremony, Astrid and I took the half-hour bus ride to Utrecht, Holland, one of the 9 IND (immigration) locations in the country...and our favorite photo-hunt city. If I did not start my residence-permit process by March 5 (3 months after arriving on December 5), I would have to leave the country for 3 months before returning. Our appointment was at 2p. At 1:46 we got ticket T506 and were called in at 2:15p. An hour later we were done...all documents submitted from me first (remember those apostilles!?!) and then Astrid.

So now you understand the urgency of the marriage timing. I want to stay in Holland because I'm married to Astrid.

But here's the sticking point! Astrid is my sponsor. For me to stay in the Netherlands, SHE has to have a work contract for a minimum of 6 months as assurance she can support me. In spite of the fact she has worked at the same company for 15 months now, the economy prohibits them (and most of Holland) from offering contracts to their temp employees. Immigration in turn has every right to simply say, "So sorry. Next!" As our lady said yesterday, they could decide to not even look at my application! I could be a millionaire. Still, "So sorry!"

However, apparently every application is taken case by case. So now I have a special sticker in my passport (ID numbers removed) that gives Immigration 6 months to review and process my request. She says I'll probably have an answer within 1-2 months. If they judge against me, because Astrid doesn't have a work contract, I can then appeal. If they judge for me, I can stay for one year and then renew my application for a 5-year extension. It's all very exact and to the point. The initial application costs €830 ($1,126) and is not refunded if the decision is NO.

Now, the tipping points:

• Our marriage in Holland. THEY approved and recognized it. Now will they separate us?
• Our age. At 64 and 55, it's not like we don't know what we want, right?
• My income. My Social Security income is a monthly "given" till I die and is more "stable" than Astrid's income, if they want to look at it that way.

And now listen to this, two more points we didn't think of till yesterday:

• My passport. The lady surprised us when she copied every page showing all my times flying to and from Amsterdam since 2007. Never once did she ask why. She made the assumption I made all the trips because of our relationship. It's further proof, she said, of why our marriage is not a fake marriage for me to get social security from Holland.
• My political asylum??? Because our marriage is a gay marriage which is not recognized in America, Immigration here could consider my case one of "political" asylum. Astrid cannot gain residence in MY country as my wife. So I HAVE to stay in Holland if we are to remain together.

A work in progress...outside Immigration in Utrecht. How appropriate!

We don't know, of course, if anything will be a tipping point. All we can do now is let it go and trust the Universe to rule in my favor. Your prayers and best wishes will help, I truly believe. You will be our cloud of witnesses. I am not here to screw the country I have grown to love!

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In the meantime, Vancouver OLYMPICS! Did you watch the Opening Ceremony? Did you see/hear K.D. Lang perform "Hallelujah" at the end? Did you see Anne Murray help carry in the Olympic flag? They were our 2 Canadian musicians at our wedding ceremony. Do we have good taste or what! :)

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And in case you want to follow me there, I had my second post at Vision and Verb, yesterday.